Psycho-Babble

If you have a quick look to the left, behold my 'Seven Week' picture. It's just 3 weeks since my last update pic, but since I'm posting another one when I finish C25K, I had to space it out just right. Now let me say - I am not one that likes to have my picture taken, let alone posting it out to the world like this, but on the flip side, I love to see other people's before/during/after pictures because it's quite motivating! Seeing myself change week to week, even if it's small changes, that's motivating too. I just showed my daughter Grace my three pics, and in true 9 year old style, she said (after mouth opened wide) "Oh My GAWD!" Gotta love her - so dramatic that one....

Now for some psycho-babble....I've been thinking alot about the me I was just about 2 months ago, and the 'me' I'm becoming, or perhaps 'uncovering'? Yes, I had a little scale mishap that jolted me into action, hence the blog title.... but there are other events that led me to start this journey. I think about it a lot recently because, frankly, I don't even recognize the person I was just two or three months ago. I'm not talking in the physical sense either. I'm speaking of my spirit.

This past May 14th, I was in a very serious car accident. I was driving home from my bus stop after work, maybe 2 miles from my home, when an oncoming car went left of center and came barreling at me. No attempt to correct, coming faster instead of slower. I had nowhere to go (without slamming into a telephone pole) and I thought, 'this must be an old person having a medical emergency'. Anyway, the guy slammed into me, front driver side and basically took out the whole driver's side of my van, both tires, running board, the gas tank cover etc. My totalled van by the way was a Ford Econoline conversion van - thank god for that because that huge damn van saved my life! The other driver was in a cadillac. We later learned that the other driver was on numerous prescription drugs on which he had NO business being on the road. (morphine, neurontin and some other neurological type medicine) He also had only two toes on one foot, and three on the other. Crazy stuff.

I was not seriously injured thank goodness. I did about 6 weeks of physical therapy for whiplash and a strained trapezius on my left side. I had a pretty nice breast hematoma from my seat belt, (which still 'twinges' here and there) bruises that I had no idea how I got them. A contusion on top of my left shoulder that had hit the side window....But I did have one pretty significant injury that pretty much turned my life upside down for a time.

Although I did not hit my head, about 10 days later I developed 'post concussive syndrome'. Suddenly I was forgetting things (like did I give Chris his medicine 1/2 hour ago?), could not focus my attention on anything, anxiety attacks, could barely even READ without everything jumbling up in my head. This made working difficult, it made things difficult at home - I thought I was going crazy and that made me even more anxious. Some days it was all I could do to get out of bed and get through the day. I am a multi-tasker, quick thinker, efficient person. This 'injury' was THE PITS for someone like me to deal with. Of course, once my doctor explained that my brain probably got slammed against my skull pretty good and there was a name for what was happening to me, I felt 'better' - but it was pretty rough there for a few weeks. I think I already had a sort of border line 'depression' (dysthymia) going on prior to the accident, and then getting my brain knocked around pretty good sort of pushed me over the edge I guess. I felt so vulnerable and 'weak' - physical therapy only highlighted to me how out of 'shape' I was, and the concussive symptoms made me feel basically worthless - I had lost my 'edge' I guess.

My doc thought a little 'boost' of my brain chemicals might help, so I started taking 10mgs of Lexapro. I've done the anti-depressant thing years ago, so I was pretty open to this - I just wanted to be back to 'normal'. Well, Lexapro has been great for me - very few side effects and the fog started to clear for me pretty quickly. After about 3 weeks, I was feeling better (mentally) than even before the accident. I was able to start really looking inside myself at where I needed to make changes, I discovered I wanted to be a 'stronger' person both physically and mentally. I discovered that although my life has been challenging for me, I had been sitting back floating day to day allowing life to just 'happen' to me. I was suddenly empowered to think of something, anything ....just to challenge myself and overcome the challenge, and then try something else. It was not enough to just 'recover' from the accident, I suddenly wanted more.

The accident 'happened' to me, there's not much I can do about that. But what I could do was find a way to get something good for me from it. Once the fog cleared in my head, I was able to clearly see what I've been missing all this time - I create my own happiness, fullfillment and dreams, and I can make my life into anything I choose! Sure, things are always going to 'happen', but at the same time, I can make things happen too! There ARE things I can control in my life, I can set goals and challenge myself to reach those goals because I WANT to and choose to, not because I have no choice.

When I first told my husband I was going to try running, he was dubious. When I told him I want to be physically strong, because then I feel mentally strong - he smiled gently at me. Now that I am seven weeks into this journey, he can see what is going on with me now. He gets it. Now I get it!

My first challenge was to get through C25K. When I'm finished with that, I'm going to do a One Hour Runner program. (10 weeks) In January I am going to step up my training so I can run in the Rite Aid Cleveland Marathon in May. Maybe it will be the 10K, or hell - why not go for 13.1? In between, I'm going to do two 5K's this fall, and then more in the spring. I'm looking forward to it all - that's the most amazing thing to me!

I know this now, my spirit craves to be challenged - If I do not have something to work towards, I settle into a day to day doldrum routine and life starts happening to ME instead of ME creating my life. I was a classical pianist 'back in the day' - as a kid I was practicing every day, challenging pieces - working towards a goal. A big recital, a competition...I thrived on it. This is the same thing. It's just a different 'new' challenge for me. Somewhere along the way, I got buried in life 'stuff' and didn't have time to challenge myself, set goals to work towards that were fullfilling to me in all ways. Now I see things with more clarity - this is me hitting myself up side the head...DUH, it took me how many years to learn this about myself?

I truly believe that running has helped me muddle through these thoughts and come to this place. It's a great thing.

What else am I going to discover on this journey? About myself? About other people? What new adventures are ahead for me? I don't know all the answers yet, but I sure can't wait to find out!

Run on.....